The Rat
Thursday, August 28, 2003
      ( 5:27 PM ) The Rat  
TIMELINE OF ART HISTORY, via the Met.

# Posted by The Rat @ 5:27 PM


      ( 5:27 PM ) The Rat  
BEST BUY is offering free shipping on everything for a limited time, so if you want to buy a movie or something cheap, cash in now.

# Posted by The Rat @ 5:27 PM


      ( 1:10 PM ) The Rat  
"Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first."
—Groucho Marx to Margaret Dumont in Duck Soup (1933)

# Posted by The Rat @ 1:10 PM



Wednesday, August 27, 2003
      ( 2:09 PM ) The Rat  
ACTUAL MEMOIRS FOUND IN THE NYPL LENDING SYSTEM CATALOG.

Memoirs of a bastard angel
Memoirs of a beatnik
Memoirs of a black casanova
Memoirs of a book snake
Memoirs of a bookbat
Memoirs of a caddy
Memoirs of a captivity among the Indians of North America
Memoirs of a counterrevolutionary
Memoirs of a Dada drummer
Memoirs of a dance-hall romeo
Memoirs of a donkey
Memoirs of a fortunate Jew
Memoirs of a fox-hunting man
Memoirs of a French lady
Memoirs of a gardner
Memoirs of a geisha
Memoirs of a hoyden
Memoirs of a Huguenot family
Memoirs of a Jewish extremist
Memoirs of a London doll
Memoirs of a man of honour
Memoirs of a medieval woman
Memoirs of a Mississippi shaman
Memoirs of a movie palace
Memoirs of a New England village choir
Memoirs of a not altogether shy pornographer
Memoirs of a pet therapist
Memoirs of a professional cad
Memoirs of a public baby
Memoirs of a recovering autocrat
Memoirs of a secret agent of Free France
Memoirs of a shy pornographer
Memoirs of a sleep-walker
Memoirs of a spiritual outsider
Memoirs of a star
Memoirs of a sword swallower
Memoirs of a tourist
Memoirs of a translator of poetry
Memoirs of a very civil servant
Memoirs of a white elephant


# Posted by The Rat @ 2:09 PM


      ( 10:17 AM ) The Rat  
THAT MARS THING happens tonight.

[The Earth and Mars] will be separated by 34,646,418 million miles (55,758,006 million km) at 1051 GMT (6:51 p.m. in Manila ) on August 27. Not since the Neanderthals shared this planet with early humans have the two worlds been so close.

# Posted by The Rat @ 10:17 AM


      ( 10:14 AM ) The Rat  
YOUR JOKE HERE.

# Posted by The Rat @ 10:14 AM


      ( 10:08 AM ) The Rat  
You like to get hurt. Always picking the wrong guy. It's a sickness with a lot of women. Always looking for a new way to get hurt by a new man. Get smart. There hasn't been a new man since Adam.
—Richard Conte to Susan Hayward in House of Strangers (1949)

# Posted by The Rat @ 10:08 AM



Tuesday, August 26, 2003
      ( 8:39 PM ) The Rat  
RECENT SEARCH REQUESTS.

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# Posted by The Rat @ 8:39 PM


      ( 6:45 PM ) The Rat  
VIA THE ONION.

Great Lover Also Great At Slinking Out
MANITOU SPRINGS, CO—According to a number of area women, the lovemaking abilities of the handsome and gregarious Ken Millagro are matched only by his ability to quietly slink out the door after a night of passion. "I'll spare you the details, but Ken was really, really good in the sack," 35-year-old Heather Yorgrau said Sunday, the morning after meeting Millagro at a friend's birthday party. "He was also really, really good at getting out of the sack without waking me up. He was absolutely amazing at not tripping over the shoes on the floor, leaving the noisy fan in the bathroom off, and quietly managing the locks on the front door." Millagro was unable to be found for comment.

# Posted by The Rat @ 6:45 PM


      ( 11:48 AM ) The Rat  
A FRIEND last week sent this story by Donald Barthelme, which is very funny.

# Posted by The Rat @ 11:48 AM


      ( 11:48 AM ) The Rat  
HEH.

# Posted by The Rat @ 11:48 AM


      ( 11:45 AM ) The Rat  
NOBODY LOVES ME! Waah!

# Posted by The Rat @ 11:45 AM


      ( 11:45 AM ) The Rat  
Katharine Hepburn. And after you shot him, how did you feel then?
Judy Holliday. Hungry.
Adam's Rib (1949)

# Posted by The Rat @ 11:45 AM



Monday, August 25, 2003
      ( 5:02 PM ) The Rat  
BIG FLABBY BUTTOCKS IN THE NEWS.

# Posted by The Rat @ 5:02 PM


      ( 5:02 PM ) The Rat  
Coat Check Girl. Goodness, what a beautiful diamond.
Mae West. Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie.
Night After Night (1932)

# Posted by The Rat @ 5:02 PM



Friday, August 22, 2003
      ( 1:20 PM ) The Rat  
SO THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS TO "ACCOST" SOMEONE!

# Posted by The Rat @ 1:20 PM


      ( 1:19 PM ) The Rat  
EARACHE MAN GETS VASECTOMY. Well, that is the part of their bodies that seems to do the listening...

A manager at the Doctor Jose Carlos de Espirito Santo clinic in Montes Claros, in the south-eastern state of Minas Gerais, told Reuters on Wednesday that Valdemar Lopes de Moraes, 39, entered the vasectomy room when Aldemar Aparecido Rodrigues' name was called.

"The strangest thing is that he asked no questions when the doctor started preparations in the area which had so little to do with his ear," Vanessa Guimaraes said.

"He later explained that he thought it was an ear inflammation that got down to his testicles," she added.


# Posted by The Rat @ 1:19 PM


      ( 1:18 PM ) The Rat  
NAME THE ANTEATER!

# Posted by The Rat @ 1:18 PM


      ( 1:17 PM ) The Rat  
Plato is never sullen. Cervantes is never petulant. Demosthenes never comes unseasonably, Dante never stays too long. No difference of political opinion can alienate Cicero. No heresy can excite the horror of Bossuet.
—Lord Macaulay

# Posted by The Rat @ 1:17 PM



Thursday, August 21, 2003
      ( 3:56 PM ) The Rat  
MAYBE IT'S TIME WE RECONSIDERED COMMUNISM.

# Posted by The Rat @ 3:56 PM


      ( 3:56 PM ) The Rat  
"I don't know what you mean by 'glory,'" Alice said.

Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't—till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"

"But 'glory' doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice objected.

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean—neither more nor less."

"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things."

"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master—that's all."

Through the Looking-Glass

# Posted by The Rat @ 3:56 PM



Friday, August 15, 2003
      ( 10:57 PM ) The Rat  
William Hurt. I need tending. I need someone to take care of me. Someone to rub my tired muscles, smooth out my sheets.
Kathleen Turner. Get married.
William Hurt. I only need it for tonight.
Body Heat (1981)

# Posted by The Rat @ 10:57 PM



Thursday, August 14, 2003
      ( 11:30 AM ) The Rat  
Eddie Fisher. What's with you and Yale? Always Yale.
Elizabeth Taylor. It's the last college left.
Eddie Fisher. What?
Elizabeth Taylor. I started with Amherst, and I worked my way through the alphabet to Yale. I'm stuck there. Of course, I could work backwards again.
Butterfield 8 (1960)

# Posted by The Rat @ 11:30 AM


      ( 11:30 AM ) The Rat  
TIMES RADIO FIRES STATION'S VOICE OVER OFF-AIR REMARK.

# Posted by The Rat @ 11:30 AM



Wednesday, August 13, 2003
      ( 4:01 PM ) The Rat  
MARGARET MENGE on the math behind the Hillary-Simon & Schuster deal.

Hillary Clinton took an $8 million advance from Simon & Schuster and then 75 people at the company were laid off. One did follow the other (by weeks) and so it's natural to wonder: If Simon & Schuster, which is owned by Viacom, had paid a more reasonable advance for the book, would those people still have their jobs? [...]

The advance paid to an author represents an advance on royalties based on the number of books expected to sell. The author's royalty on hardcover books is 10 to 15 percent of the sale price. The publisher gets the rest. This is industry standard. So, if Clinton's contract gave her 15 percent--the top rate--then she gets $4.20 for every $28 hardcover book sold. At a million copies sold, Clinton's cut is $4,200,000. At a million and a half copies sold, her cut is $6,300,000--still way short of the $8 million advance. [...]

At the median 12.5 percent royalty, under which Clinton earns $3.50 per book, her cut is $5,250,000--and the advance of $8 million represents an overpayment of almost $3 million.


# Posted by The Rat @ 4:01 PM


      ( 12:39 PM ) The Rat  
THE DIVORCE THING. Maggie Gallagher on NRO today.

With legalized gay marriage, idealized portraits of Heather and her two mommies will enter every public-school classroom in America, not to mention media and entertainment. Our sons will be told that they are not necessary in family life. Our daughters will be informed by government authority that children do not necessarily need fathers. How important, then, is it to stick to a marriage so your kids have a father? If two mommies are equally good for a child, why won't a single mom and her mother do? How can we revive a stronger commitment to the importance of fathers among both men and women if the government tells us fathers are not that important, only commitment is. If any two parents will do, why not just divorce and remarry as often as you like? Your child will have two parents in the home, and that is all that matters, right?

# Posted by The Rat @ 12:39 PM


      ( 11:24 AM ) The Rat  
IT'S HITCHCOCK'S BIRTHDAY! Celebrate by having the $#@! scared out of you. The Rat will be getting into the spirit of things by going to the dentist.

# Posted by The Rat @ 11:24 AM


      ( 11:24 AM ) The Rat  
Dustin Hoffman. She thinks I'm gay...
Sydney Pollack. Well, sleep with her, and she'll know you're not.
Dustin Hoffman. I slept with her once. She still thinks I'm gay.
Sydney Pollack. Oh. That's not so good, Michael.
Tootsie (1982)

# Posted by The Rat @ 11:24 AM



Tuesday, August 12, 2003
      ( 8:36 PM ) The Rat  
BUT WAS IT ORGANIC?

# Posted by The Rat @ 8:36 PM


      ( 12:23 PM ) The Rat  
ECHIDNA.

# Posted by The Rat @ 12:23 PM


      ( 12:21 PM ) The Rat  
UNABOMBER ASKS U.S. GOVERNMENT TO RETURN BOMB, BOOKS.

# Posted by The Rat @ 12:21 PM


      ( 12:20 PM ) The Rat  
Tony Curtis. Jerry, you can't be serious.
Jack Lemmon. Why not? He keeps marrying girls all the time.
Tony Curtis. But you're not a girl. You're a guy, and why would a guy want to marry a guy?
Jack Lemmon. Security.
Some Like It Hot

# Posted by The Rat @ 12:20 PM



Monday, August 11, 2003
      ( 2:19 PM ) The Rat  
HEH. From Mark Steyn:

[I]n desperation to find an attack angle, Dem operatives are currently testing three themes:

1. Arnold is a Nazi.

Okay, Arnold's not a Nazi. He was born in the Austrian town of Thal, but not until 1947, and thus was technically unable to join the Nazi Party no matter how much he may have wanted to. But he certainly has family ties to the Nazis. His wife's grandfather, Joe Kennedy, was one of America's most prominent Nazi sympathisers.

Oh, wait. That's not the Nazi family ties the Dems had in mind? [...]


# Posted by The Rat @ 2:19 PM


      ( 11:57 AM ) The Rat  
ESQUIRE CANCELS BLAIR ASSIGNMENT.

# Posted by The Rat @ 11:57 AM


      ( 11:57 AM ) The Rat  
MOTHER JONES TO RUN CAR AD.

Twenty-six years ago, Mother Jones, a bimonthly magazine known for its investigative journalism and liberal politics, published a cover story about the tendency of the Pinto, the compact car made by Ford, to occasionally explode after it was rear-ended in an accident. [...]

The car was eventually recalled and production was discontinued, but the coverage did not endear the magazine to Detroit and other carmakers. Mother Jones had never carried an automotive ad before then, and hasn't since. But that streak is about to end. Jay Harris, the publisher of Mother Jones, said the magazine would run a corporate image ad for Toyota in the September issue.

# Posted by The Rat @ 11:57 AM


      ( 11:57 AM ) The Rat  
RALPH NADER'S LATEST.

Likely 2004 third-party presidential hopeful Ralph Nader thinks the 9/11 terrorist attacks wouldn't have happened if he had been president. He claims that amid all the big decisions new presidents have to make after inauguration, he would have ordered cockpit doors to be hardened against attack. He says an old report warning about how easy it is to get in the cockpit still sticks with him. What's more, he would have wiped out Osama bin Laden and his gang without a shot being fired. How? Bribe Osama's friends to hand him over.

# Posted by The Rat @ 11:57 AM


      ( 11:57 AM ) The Rat  
VIETNAMESE GOVERNMENT TO EXPOSE CHEATING COUPLES. And closer to home, a recent alienation of affection case.

# Posted by The Rat @ 11:57 AM


      ( 11:57 AM ) The Rat  
John Miljan. I must have your golden hair, fascinating eyes, alluring smile, your lovely eyes, your form divine—
Mae West. Wait a minute. Is this a proposal, or are you taking inventory?
Belle of the Nineties (1934)

# Posted by The Rat @ 11:57 AM



Sunday, August 10, 2003
      ( 9:28 PM ) The Rat  
NATIONWIDE INCREASE IN TEEN PROSTITUTION.

# Posted by The Rat @ 9:28 PM


      ( 9:24 PM ) The Rat  
"THE SNIPPER."

# Posted by The Rat @ 9:24 PM


      ( 9:00 PM ) The Rat  
CUTE. From a friend in California. Reminiscent of my brother, who, when told by someone "There is no 'I' in 'TEAM'" responded, "Yes, but there is 'ME' IN 'TEAM'!"

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

What makes up 100% in life?

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

However,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: While hard work and knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, bullshit and ass kissing will put you over the top.


# Posted by The Rat @ 9:00 PM


      ( 8:32 PM ) The Rat  
SO TRUE. A friend in Georgia sends this.

# Posted by The Rat @ 8:32 PM


      ( 8:30 PM ) The Rat  
I need him like the axe needs the turkey.
—Barbara Stanwyck in The Lady Eve (1941)

# Posted by The Rat @ 8:30 PM



Friday, August 08, 2003
      ( 3:27 PM ) The Rat  
GREAT HEADLINE. Also see here.

# Posted by The Rat @ 3:27 PM


      ( 3:13 PM ) The Rat  
BE AFRAID!

# Posted by The Rat @ 3:13 PM


      ( 2:33 PM ) The Rat  
FATWA OF THE DAY.

# Posted by The Rat @ 2:33 PM


      ( 2:03 PM ) The Rat  
ETHNICALLY SENSITIVE HURRICANES.

# Posted by The Rat @ 2:03 PM


      ( 1:32 PM ) The Rat  
WOMAN MAKES HARLEY-DAVIDSON FROM BUTTER.

# Posted by The Rat @ 1:32 PM


      ( 1:32 PM ) The Rat  
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# Posted by The Rat @ 1:32 PM


      ( 1:32 PM ) The Rat  
There's nothing out there for you, Jesse, except me in a different suit.
—Burt Reynolds to Candice Bergen in Starting Over (1979)

# Posted by The Rat @ 1:32 PM



Wednesday, August 06, 2003
      ( 11:44 PM ) The Rat  
YOUR JOKE HERE.

# Posted by The Rat @ 11:44 PM


      ( 11:20 PM ) The Rat  
BEST SENTENCE from this account of Arnie's bid for governor:

Schwarzenegger, 56, announced his decision during a taping of "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," calling it the toughest he's made since deciding to get a bikini wax in 1978.

# Posted by The Rat @ 11:20 PM


      ( 3:40 PM ) The Rat  
EBOLA VACCINE.

# Posted by The Rat @ 3:40 PM


      ( 11:37 AM ) The Rat  
I'M SORRY, BUT I ONLY DATE MEN MY FRIENDS ARE AFRAID MIGHT KILL ME. Heh. Via The Onion.

# Posted by The Rat @ 11:37 AM


      ( 11:36 AM ) The Rat  
FAKING IT, Italian style. Via Eve.

# Posted by The Rat @ 11:36 AM


      ( 11:35 AM ) The Rat  
"MAGIC MIRRORS" in Beijing, via Drudge.

# Posted by The Rat @ 11:35 AM


      ( 11:34 AM ) The Rat  
This picture is dedicated to all the beautiful women in the world who have shot their husbands full of holes out of pique.
—opening line of Roxie Hart (1942)

# Posted by The Rat @ 11:34 AM



Tuesday, August 05, 2003
      ( 4:44 PM ) The Rat  
PUBLIC TRUST IN BBC PLUMMETS.

Just nine months ago the corporation's main news channel, BBC1, commanded the trust of 92% of the public. A new survey by Mori, however, has put trust in the BBC at only 59%—a massive 33% drop.

# Posted by The Rat @ 4:44 PM


      ( 4:44 PM ) The Rat  
WHY BUCKLEY LOST HIS GUN PERMIT. Heh.

# Posted by The Rat @ 4:44 PM


      ( 12:07 PM ) The Rat  
GOOD NYTM PIECE on "DL" blacks.

[U]ntil recently the only popular representations of black gay men were what William calls ''drag queens or sissies.'' Rakeem takes a hit from the bowl. ''We know there are black gay rappers, black gay athletes, but they're all on the DL,'' Rakeem says. ''If you're white, you can come out as an openly gay skier or actor or whatever. It might hurt you some, but it's not like if you're black and gay, because then it's like you've let down the whole black community, black women, black history, black pride. You don't hear black people say, 'Oh yeah, he's gay, but he's still a real man, and he still takes care of all his responsibilities.' What you hear is, 'Look at that sissy faggot.'''

# Posted by The Rat @ 12:07 PM


      ( 12:07 PM ) The Rat  
YAAH!!!

# Posted by The Rat @ 12:07 PM


      ( 12:07 PM ) The Rat  
PLASTIC SURGEONS comment on Nip/Tuck.

# Posted by The Rat @ 12:07 PM


      ( 12:06 PM ) The Rat  
10 DIE, 150 HURT IN JAKARTA BLAST.

# Posted by The Rat @ 12:06 PM


      ( 12:06 PM ) The Rat  
BOURBON FIRE.

# Posted by The Rat @ 12:06 PM


      ( 12:06 PM ) The Rat  
"He's not the man for you—I can see that—but I sorta like him. He's got a lot of charm."

"Well, he comes by it naturally. His grandfather was a snake."

His Girl Friday (1940)

# Posted by The Rat @ 12:06 PM



Monday, August 04, 2003
      ( 4:14 PM ) The Rat  
SALVADOR DALI PAGE.

# Posted by The Rat @ 4:14 PM


      ( 4:14 PM ) The Rat  
THIS NEW STUDY ON WOMEN AND MIRRORS isn't nearly as funny as this '98 study, which tested how women scored on a math test first when wearing a sweater and then in swimsuits.

# Posted by The Rat @ 4:14 PM


      ( 4:14 PM ) The Rat  
I WISH MORE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD SAID THINGS LIKE THIS. A friend earlier today, referring to Henry Adams's biography of John Randolph:

"These two are like, you know, those guys way down at the bottom of Dante's hell who are eating each other [makes illustrative gesture]... It's a hoot!!!"

# Posted by The Rat @ 4:14 PM


      ( 4:14 PM ) The Rat  
Why can't women play the game properly? Everyone knows that in love affairs only the man has the right to lie.
—Clifton Webb in Three Coins in the Fountain (1954)

# Posted by The Rat @ 4:14 PM



Friday, August 01, 2003
      ( 7:08 PM ) The Rat  
A STORY for any out there still not convinced that the EU leadership are a bunch of little pricks.

(Related joke, which I heard in a Cold War version during, well, the Cold War, here [scroll to "Condoms with Bush"].)

# Posted by The Rat @ 7:08 PM


      ( 6:56 PM ) The Rat  
ENFRANCHISED at last!

# Posted by The Rat @ 6:56 PM


      ( 6:56 PM ) The Rat  
LIBERAL LAWYERS ORGANIZE TO OPPOSE FEDERALIST SOCIETY. Wow.

The American Constitution Society for Law and Policy is having a coming-out party this week. For three days starting Friday, law students and attorneys will hear speeches by Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y.; attend discussions on the environment, abortion, gay rights, government surveillance, human rights and other subjects; and mingle with dozens of top legal scholars and judges.

It's not all heavy lifting. There also is a Janet Reno Dance Party on Saturday night.

# Posted by The Rat @ 6:56 PM


      ( 6:56 PM ) The Rat  
THE FOLKS WHO RUN RENT-A-NEGRO.COM might want to consider opening a sister site, Rent-a-Honky.com, for this guy.

# Posted by The Rat @ 6:56 PM


      ( 6:56 PM ) The Rat  
Sailor 1. Quit talkin' about her that way. She's a woman!
Sailor 2. So?
Sailor 1. Well, my mother's a woman.
Sailor 2. So?
Sailor 1. I don't know. It just all seems to tie in somehow.
Operation Petticoat (1959)

# Posted by The Rat @ 6:56 PM




A page I'm starting to get the overlords at EveTushnet.com to stop $#@! bugging me


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